Howlett Zoo
by peanutpanda
Summary: What happens when Alice gets a vision of the Cullen’s at the zoo? Well they go of course! However, what is Emmett doing in a Bear cage? Why has Rosalie the sudden need for Revenge? Can Jasper really steal a penguin?
1. Hello Mr Officer

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, nada, zilch, comprende? **

**Summary: **What happens when Alice gets a vision of the Cullen's at the zoo? Well they go of course! However, what is Emmett doing in a Bear cage? Why has Rosalie the sudden need for Revenge? Can Jasper really steal a penguin? What are Carlisle and Esme doing in the Toilets? Edward's been a bad vampire. Though I feel sorry for little Renesemee, will she ever get that big cuddly toy? "The good news is we found your daughter, the bad news is Jake is stuck in the wolf cage" after Breaking Dawn.

_A/N: My best friend and fellow Looney __MyEternalLove__ and I, were having a conversation about Twilight –as always- and came up with this story, so we hope you enjoy it!_

Chapter one: car ride

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Alice POV

Nothing and I mean nothing was going to stop me today! I am an evil vampire pixie on a mission, and that mission is to go to the zoo. I call it operation cookie. I had already laid out everyone's clothing to suit my needs, and the ones in my vision.

I grinned at all of my family as they sat in the living room of our new home in London. Everyone was as still as can be, except little Nessie who was currently playing with her Barbie. She had grown so much in the past two years; she was now holding the body of a six year old. Perfect age for outings!

Edward raised his eye brow a tiny fraction and I could tell he was focusing in on my thoughts, so I started to sing Dora the explorer theme tune in Arabic. _Ha! Try reading my thoughts now, bitch! _I then turned my attention to Emmett who sat fidgeting -very unlike a vampire- because he was itching to try and beat Jasper at the Xbox.

Rosalie was staring into a car magazine, I'm sure if she had have been male she'd be drooling. Jasper as always was sending calming vibes across the room; they all really wanted to be in other places. Carlisle and Esme however were happy; I rolled my eyes _I wonder why_? I stated sarcastically to myself. Bella seemed to be very much zoned out, she was bored. _Ok Alice time to get the show on the road! _

"We're all going to the Zoo!" I bounced; I instantly had Nessie and Emmett's attention, although that wasn't hard. Every other family member huffed and went to leave the room "No, no stay where you are, we are going to the zoo, it's the perfect day trip for Nessie, its not going to rain today, AND I saw you all going too, so stop you're your whining and get your butts in the car" and with that I bounced all the way to my little Italian sports car.

With my super vampire senses I could hear everyone grumbling about having to go to the zoo, well all except the children –Emmett and Renesemee.

"We're all going on a summer holiday, no more working for a week or two." I heard Emmett's booming voice sing as Renesemee continued in her bell like voice "Fun and laughter on our summer holiday, no more worries for me or you, for a week or two." Hmm I was starting to get worried about her; she spends too much time with him. She might not like shopping when she's older if she keeps it up!

Knocking that crazy, absurd thought from my mind I looked over to see everyone piling into Emmett's jeep, well I guess I can live with that. Skipping over I plotted myself onto Jasper's lap, kissing his cheek as I did so. And we were off! _Yay_! I thought mentally clapping

"Alice you didn't just say 'yay' in your mind did you, and then go on to clap?" Edward asked with a hint of amusement in his voice as his lips twitched.

"Yes, yes I did!" I nodded

"Oh I see" his lips twitched as Jasper, my darling husband decided to hit him with 'happy pills'.

We were about halfway to the zoo when Emmett decided to lean out of the window and wave with both hands at people. I wouldn't have minded normally, just hidden in my seat. It was the fact he was driving that made me panic, we may not be able to get hurt, but we sure can hurt others with this monster jeep.

"WAOOOH! SWEET AND SOUR BITCHES!" Emmett cried out of the window. Rosalie grabbed the steering wheel as we swerved just missing the hard shoulder.

"EMMETT! You dufus get back in the car!" Jasper barked, trying to calm himself down.

"Aw man, you guys need to loosen up" Em sulked taking the next exit.

We continued to play sweet and sour on the drive to Howlett Zoo, only having to pull over once. Why you ask? Well let's start from the beginning…

Flash back –ten minutes after Emmett's outburst-

Blue flashing lights told us to pull over, so we did. We waited. When the police officer finally decided to show his funky butt, Emmett burst out laughing.

"Excuse me sir but I'm going to have to ask you to exit the vehicle, I have reason to suspect you of drinking while under the influence" barking out a laugh he got out, wobbling! The officer was about to arrest him for drink driving and he was wobbling!

"Yess, sssir" Emmett slurred using the car for support. I heard Jacob in the back groan in frustration at Emmett's stupidity.

"Please breath into this" he handed Em the breathalyser, to which I my stupid brother decided to let slip out of his hands and as he bent over to pick it up leaned on the officer and fell. Oh but not only did the stupid fool fall, but he landed on the officer!

We all groaned in unison this time, why hadn't I taken his idiocy into account?

"Hmm, I'm sorry sir but I'm going to have to take you into the station" he said pulling out a pair of hand cuffs.

Rosalie being the quick thinker she is jumped out and 'seduced' the poor un expecting man. Dear man looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head. And with a little boost from Jasper we were on our way again. Except this time Edward was driving.

Esme had just finished scolding Emmett when we pulled into the car park.


	2. Lions, Tigers And Bears

**Disclaimer: Yep, Just Checked. I Still Don't Own It**

Chapter Two: Lions, Tigers and Bears

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Jasper POV

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I sighed as we entered the Zoo, Emmett's hour long scolding had just finished and he was feeling sorry for himself, although I could feel a lot of excitement just rolling on off of him. I however was struggling not to start jumping up and down like a small child due to this.

I had my old little fairy bouncing alongside me as we paid for our tickets. I had to hold her hand as we passed the souvenir shop; this almost had my arm torn off. Emmett was in high spirits again as we all exited and Bella went to get both Jake and Renesemee a hot dog.

I looked around me as I saw everyone separate into different groups. Fundamentally it was two couples to a group, Alice and I had Emmet and Rose, Bella and Edward had Nessie and Jacob, and our 'mom' and 'dad' would float between the groups. I let out an unneeded breath of frustration as my pixie told me about the groups. _Why me? Why can I not just get a 'normal' group, I want adult conversation not a bouncing bear for Christ's sake_!

I heard Edward chuckle from the hot dog stand at my last thought; _yeah soak it up Eddie-boo I bet you end up going mad by the end of the day anyway! _His chuckle turned into a full blown laugh. Smirking as Bella asked him if he was feeling OK I went to find my 'group'. When I got there Emmett was talking animatedly about the Zoo from behind a map with Alice, who was making plans, again.

"…third we're going to see the penguins, then the bears, then the snakes…" she ranted poking at the map every so often.

"OMG! They have bears! Rooooosieeee, can we, can we pleaseee go see the bears?" Em pleaded with his wife, imitating a small child perfectly.

"Yes, Emmett you may, just don't eat them" Rose replied as she picked out the digital camera from her purse and took a photo of the two behind the map. It was for Nessie, I new differently, Rose just found she enjoyed getting picture happy. _Great, I'm going to have a blinding flash around me all day_.

With that in mind we set off towards the monkeys. Hmm monkeys. I felt the venom build up in my mouth because of my favourite food and quickly got rid of that thought. I have more self control then that, besides Edward would never let me live that down.

So there I stood in front of six fat gorillas and I wasn't even allowed to taste them. I felt like a pouting child. Really I did, my lip poked out, my arms crossed across my chest and I glared at the gorillas. The silver back male went wild, banging around the cage trying to scare me off. Alice scolded me twice as Rose snapped photos behind her laughing. Emmett however stood watching them with fascination. You'd think he wasn't over 70 years old.

"Jasper, if you don't fix your face I swear I'm cutting you off" I stared at my wife dumbfounded

"Cutting me off what?" she smirked and dragged her hand up and down her body to clear up my sudden blonde moment. Getting it instantly I jumped up and said "Come on guys, lets go check out those BUGS!" I enthusiastically punched the air at the end of my outburst; unfortunately Rose got 100 photos of.

Emmett and I practically ran towards 'Bug World', I picked up on his excitement and before long I was truly vibrating with a passion for bugs.

"Psst" my dear brother hissed at me from besides me.

"What?" I hissed back playing along with him.

"I dare you to go up to that man and hold his bug" he pointed to a man holding a tarantula, taking in a deep breath I nodded and went other to the 'bug man'.

"Err, excuse me" why am I nervous? Aw crap I'm picking up the emotions of the little girl holding a snake. "But can. Can I hold him or her? Whatever it is" oh dear lord I'm stuttering, I turned behind me to see Rose holding a camcorder. Fuck!

"Yeah sure, just be careful with her she bites" he places the furry beast onto my palm where it started hissing at me. Hell the spider is hissing at me. Defending against the urge to squish the little bug in my hands, I gave the little bugger back.

"Hmm never was an animal person" I mumbled walking towards the 'group'.

"We're off to see the penguins, the wonderful Penguins of this world, we're off we're off…" Emmett sang skipping down the path toward Penguin Planet.

It was there that I saw my purpose in life.

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Rosalie POV

* * *

I must admit I was having fun. I leaned over the side and snapped 20 more photos.

Looking over at Alice who was feeding a penguin I noticed Jasper scheming to himself. You know when people get that evil glint n their eyes, rub their hands together, smirk and talk to themselves? Yeah that's what he was doing. I sighed and decided I'd keep and eye out on him.

As I walked over to Ali I noticed her lovely husband was no-where to be seen.

"Where's Jas"

"Oh, just trying to steal a penguin, he thinks it's his life's mission" I could hear the humour in her voice, his life's mission?

"Well, what can I say he's your husband?"

"Ha! Oh no" she said laughing "Look, look!" I followed where her delicate finger was pointed, and sure enough dearest Jasper was in the Penguin pen.

"Oh no, he wouldn't"

"Oh yes he would" we both watched as he hummed some super hero theme tune to himself and darted around suspiciously. I let out a laugh when he did a rolle polley. "Watch what he does next Rose"

And as if on queue Jasper launched him self at an unsuspecting penguin, only to have it bite and peck him. Nearly dropping the penguin as he stood up with the poor creature he caught Alice's eye and paused. I laughed when she shook her head and he dropped the penguin stomping his feet and stormed out of penguin world.

"Aliiiiiiiiiiice" Emmett my ever adorable husband whined from her side.

"No we cannot see the Bears yet, we're going to catch up with the rest of the group and see what their up to" I felt my heart melt at his face, he looked like he was about to cry. "Emmy we're going to see them after that though OK?"

Jumping up and punching the air like Jasper had done once already, we walked towards the food area. When we got there I noticed that everyone was there, well all except our dear parents. Hmm I wonder where they could be.

"They've gone to the toilet" Alice shuddered next to me.

"Oh" was all I could reply as we sat.

"So we're you guys going next?" mutt asked Alice from behind his giant hotdog he was eating.

"The bears, you?"

"Wolves, you think if I phased and sat in the cage they'd notice?"

"Jakey I think they would" my gorgeous niece said from besides him nodding her head at the same time, it could possibly be the cutest thing ever.

I laughed when I noticed Edward was wearing a giraffe badge, _oh dear Ed what did you do?_ I asked in my mind. He gave me a sad face and replied "I had children"

"Yes you did baby, but why the sudden epiphany?" Bella asked looking at him like he was a little loopy.

"It's the voices again, love" he buried his head in his hands and mumbled "I need to see a psychiatrist" we all burst out laughing at this.

"Jake do you mind taking Ren to the wolves by yourself, me and Edward are going to check out the lions"

"Lions, tigers and bears, lions, tigers and bears" I heard Emmett sing from besides me.

"Honey no one is going to see the tigers yet"

"Oh, well fine…" I rolled my eyes as he started to look at the map again.

"OK, quickly we gotta go we gotta go!"

"Jheeze, Alice why the sudden enthusiasm may I ask?"

Taking a deep breath she said "Because if we don't go now we'll miss the bears feeding"

"Well that's something new, never watched them eat before" Emmett reflected, and yes he was rubbing his chin and yes he was staring off into space "Err, what do bears eat?"

Ignoring his last comment we made our way to the bears. I do hope nothing stupid happeneds again today.

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A/N: So What Did You Guys Think?


	3. ice cream

**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight, yada, yada ya ya, Got it? Good.**

_A/N: Sorry everyone I've had serious writers block due. But here is Chapter three, hope you enjoy._

_Thank you to the people that reviewed, you guys made my day when I read them, so this chapter is dedicated to you. _

Chapter Three: ice cream?

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Jake POV

Fuck. Yeah I know colourful language. Fuck that shit. I am thoroughly fucked. Edward is going to decapitate me or something. Arr man, I so did not want to die this week.

My eyes scanned the crowd as I prayed she would just 'poof' back to where I'd left her.

No, no little half vampire child to be seen. A growl erupted from my chest as a couple of tourists snapped photos of me. A wolf with a snowy coat had been eyeing me up for the last half hour, I kept my tail between my legs, because I also so did not want to get raped doggy style. That would seriously be the extra scooping of ice cream in my unlucky sundae.

That was when I noticed them, Jasper and Alice. Shit, Alice wouldn't decapitate me, she'd fucking break my bones, wait for them to heal and stamp on me. Then she might think about killing me. Alice hand her hands on her hips as she glared at me, though Jasper looked like he was trying not to laugh.

_He might save me, wont he? _Nah I was kidding myself, he'd be to busy laughing at the situation to help. Yeah I was right, thoroughly fucked.

Doing my best damn impression of a scolded puppy, I bowed my head and practically crawled towards them whimpering every so often. This had better soften her up.

"Where is she?" Alice said her eyes blazing with unfiltered anger. _Yeah because I can answer you pixie now cant I? _I thought deciding shrugging my shoulders would be a good idea to answer this impossible question. "you don't know?" she turned to Jasper laughing "do you hear that he doesn't know, ha, ha, he doesn't know where my niece is, ha, ha, this mutt is hilarious!" slapping her knee as she laughed, she suddenly turned and glared at me snarling "You better get yourself out of this cage now!" I was about to answer her before one of the staff members walked into the cage, placed a rope around my neck and dragged me away. Where to God only knows!

Fuck!

Third Person POV

As the over grown wolf was dragged away by the cage master Alice and Jasper stood jaw slacked. What were they to do now?

Of course little pixie Alice recovered first from their short moment of shock, spinning on her heel she made her way to the lions "Quick Jasper we need to find Edward, we'll then go find Nessie, and help out the mutt" the tall blonde smirked at his wife, he did love it when she took control, _like the time she_… stopping his thoughts in their tracks he followed her in hot pursuit.

Not all the years he had as a vampire, nor all the training he had in the army could stop him from being knocked back by what he saw as they reached the lion pen.

_And I thought I'd never live down killing a monkey! Ha!_ He thought to himself wearing a shit eating grin, strolling up towards where a certain bronze haired vampire was being scolded by his wife.

"…you'd do this! Edward you can control yourself around your singer in her bed, great. But heaven forbid putting you in front of a lion that's behind a freaking bullet proof glass!" the small brunette fumed, Both Alice and Jasper weren't sure it was a good idea to tell them yet.

Raising his hand as timidly as he could Jasper whispered "I, we…JacoblostNessieandnowtheguywholooksafterthewolveshastakenhimaway" even though what he had said was so rushed, Bella got every single word. Alice slapped him behind his head and hissed "Great way to break the ice duffus!"

Slowly stalking towards the couple Bella was now past fuming; even Jaspers attempt at calming her down was like water to a ducks back. He was actually starting to wonder if he was broken.

"You lost my baby!"

"No, no not us we just found out. It wasn't me I swear" Jaspers said backing away feeling highly intimidated by the newborn, raising his hands in surrender he shrunk to his knees and said "please don't kill me, I didn't do anything, I was just passing by and we saw Jake in the cage so we went to see what's up, then we noticed Nes-Renesemee wasn't there and we, we just thought, well that ya'll might wanna know"

"Get. My. Baby. Back. NOW!" she screamed at them, the three vampires ran away as fast as they could. _Maybe she has lost it? _Thought Edward as they found themselves looking all over for the little girl, who seemed to be very good at hide and seek.

Meanwhile…

Esme sighed as she kissed Carlisle in the toilets; they'd been in there for around 3 hours and were finding it very…interesting. Though the fact her family hadn't noticed her and her husband's absence was upsetting, but who cares when you have a hot vampire in between your legs?

Carlisle on the other had didn't want to go back to his family at this moment in time, what with everything that had been happening lately with looking after the very demanding Renesmee –not that he didn't love her- or his wife feeding a pack of wolves and his hospital shifts he really wasn't getting any. He was majorly cock blocked, and it didn't help that when he was home Jasper was getting some and sending everyone in the house 'lets fuck' vibes.

No, nobody and nothing was going to stop him…smiling at the fact her knew he sounded a little like Alice when she wanted something, he felt himself smile against her lips.

Yet what was that incessant poking? It was really aggravating; surely Esme couldn't have been the reason? The poking continued and it got so irritating that he had to pull away from Esme and say "Love, will you please stop poking my shoulder?"

"Carlisle, that's not me" Esme had opened her eyes when he pulled away and was now staring at a very angry zoo manager. His face was purple; she prayed he didn't pass out. What was he doing, holding his breath?


	4. Jacob's Farts And Bear Loving

Disclamer:

Me: me owned's Twilight

Bella: -growls at Lennie-

Me: FINE! I don't, but I do own a copy of the book so ha!

A/N: Yeah, yeah, yeah long time no read, I gettcha. But here yah goooo, =D 

enjoy my dear munchkins, enjoy… xoxox

* * *

_Bella POV_

I watched as my favourite mechanic took my daughter to see the wolves, _I do hope he doesn't phase in their cage_. She skipped happily beside him as he kept a watchful eye on her. _They'll be fine_.

"Love" my husband said from beside me, turning to face me "I really would enjoy seeing the lions, can we go now?" he looked at me with big puppy dog eyes, he even poked his bottom lip out, _bless_.

"Now? Well I guess as we can't eat any of this food we have no need to stay here" I hopped up and gracefully skipped toward the lion enclosure. Edward stared after me for a few moments before easily catching up.

I was surprised at how easy it was to be around all the animals when I didn't think about wanting to eat them. Edward took my hand as we stared at a large male who was sinking his teeth into some sort of meat. _Well I guess it really is feeding time at the Zoo_.

Though I seriously wondered why I didn't have the urge to jump the fence and take the female I could see in the corner, no-one would notice, unless you're a vampire. Or a staff member, but they wouldn't clock on until later.

Yeah I could smell him, and he smelt good, though I didn't want to drain him. Hmm maybe I really was in control? I was so busy contemplating why I wasn't sinking my teeth into her, my darling husband was. If I hadn't had smelt the spilled blood then I wouldn't have even lifted my head from my thoughts. However I did.

_I swear if he has even so much as jumped the fence he is in trouble, _I thought looking at were the young lioness once resided. What lay in her place now was a log. Yes, a freaking log! I growled my shoulders hunched up and my hands fisted by my side. I stalked human pace around the enclosure to get a better view of the log.

Nothing. He wasn't there, neither was the lioness. I looked around slowly trying to see him; he was no-where to be seen.

"What are you doing over here, love?" Edward asked playing dumb and placing his hand on the small of my back_. Two can play at this game_, I thought lifting up my shield to scold him.

"_EDWARD ANTHONY MASON_" I screeched in my mind "_I SWEAR IF YOU SO MUCH AS THOUGHT ABOUT TOUCHING THAT LIONESS, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE YOUNG MAN_!" I turned to look at him smiling sweetly, his face paled, and was, was that fear I saw in his eyes?

"I, err I don't know what your on about" he stated crossing his arms and standing up straight in defiance.

"That's what they all say" raising an eyebrow, I stared at him, just waiting for him to crack. Rocking back and forth on his heels he looked everywhere but me.

"I'm sorry, I just. The voices. Yeah that was it the voices told me she smelt good an I just" dropping to his knees Edward looked up at me an stuttered "I, I'm sorry"

Tapping my chin in mock-thought I said "Hmm, well if that's so. I better tell Jasper"

"No! You wouldn't!" my husband dear looked at me with fear stuck eyes as we walked towards the bears.

"What do you mean 'no I wouldn't'? Of course I would, I never thought you'd do this! Edward you can control yourself around your singer in her bed, great. But heaven forbid putting you in front of a lion that's behind a freaking bullet proof glass!"

_Rosalie POV_

I stood with my mouth open as I stared at my husband. I hadn't expected to loose my husband to a bear. But there he stood leaning up against the metal bars, on the over side a female grizzly stood with her head tilted and a giant paw resting against MY husband's hand.

_This isn't happening _I repeated in my head over and over again. Seriously what the fuck.

I merely rolled my eyes and snapped a few hundred more photos, for Renessmee's purpose only, I swear.

When Emmett leaned in and gave the damn bear a kiss on her muzzle I had to put my foot down. There was no way in hell he was going to kiss me after that.

"Emmett Cullen you better step away from that bear or your going to loose your lips" I said a little too calmly.

He stared at me and replied "But Rosie I think its love" rolling my eyes I grabbed him by the lips and dragged him away from the bears, and where the in the hell had my group gone?

I heard Emmett whimper and the bear in the cage growled at me, turning to look at my husband I saw him put on his best puppy dog eyes he could muster.

"Fine, stay here with the bear, don't expect to come crawling back to me though" I huffed and left the two alone. I was going to get the bear back if it was the last thing I did that day.

_Esme POV_

Oh dear, I didn't even think Zoos had jails. But this one sure did. Well it was more of an animal cage then anything else, and I was slightly annoyed at the fact they had locked us up. I mean could they even do that. Are they allowed?

Carlisle was pacing in the cell next to me and I was loosing my patience with him, which was saying something "Carlisle, dear could you stop pacing its very irritating when you're trying to think"

"But honey" he started to reply pressing himself up against the cage and reaching out for me "I'm bored" I smiled at the way his lip jutted out and his eyebrows creased together "How are we going to get out of here?" and as if on queue my beautiful granddaughter skipped her way into the room.

"Grandma, I have the keys" her bell like laugh filled the room and she continued "Unless you'd rather stay here…"she turned to leave and both Carlisle and I moved at an inhuman sped towards the doors.

"Let us out please dear" Carlisle begged, dropping to his knees and reaching out for our granddaughter "I cant stand it in here, it smells like feet and Jacobs farts"

It was my turn to laugh as I replied "you've smelt them then, I thought it was my imagination, they are ghastly aren't they?"

"I know! It smells like something crawled up there and died, I may have to get him some help when we get home, it can't be healthy for them to smell like that"

"Hey that's my Jakey you're talking about, and if you haven't remembered I do have a set of keys that you need" she twirled them around her tiny fingers and both I and Carlisle could see our only escape being taken away from us.

"NOOOOOO! You don't leave me here, please me not wanna stay here" both I and Nessie turned to Carlisle with faces full of confusion and almost scared at how much he sounded like a 6 year old.

"OK, I'll let you out as long as you never talk like that ever again" she said as she opened our 'cells'.


End file.
